Black. All I see is black, a mass of darkness surrounding me. I try to squint into the darkness, but nothing happens. I try to raise my arm to drag a hand through my hair, but nothing happens.
I can't move, my body won't let me, but I still have some of my senses. I can hear the beeping of a monitor, I can feel cold, stiff bed sheets surrounding me, I can smell the strong odour of disinfectant spray, but they are distant. I can't see or speak, I'm trapped in my own body. Laying motionless with no escape.
I feel tired and weak, I desperately want to sleep, to escape this feeling for a couple of hours at least. But how can I fall asleep? I'm uncomfortable and I can't move. I'm helpless.
I hear a door open and suddenly I feel someone resting their hand on mine. I can hear them whimpering. I can feel their tears drop onto my face and be gently wiped back off with a pad of a thumb. I can smell the scent of someone familiar, someone I miss, someone I love. It's Frank!
Frankie is crying because of me and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't reach out to him. I can't hold his hand. I can't comfort him. As much as I try, my body won't obey my commands. I just want to hold him, clear the tears from his face, but that dream is too far from reach. All I can do is lie here helplessly and listen to my poor Frankie cry.
Inside I am shouting, I am screaming to him. But on the outside, I'm just a shell of my former self. I'm not a body any more, no. I am just a voice inside my head, with the sense to hear and smell. I haven't got a body, not any more, it's useless.
I hear the door open again. And my Frankie begins to talk.
"Doctor! Doctor please, tell me he is going to be okay, please." His voice sounding hoarse and breaking on the word 'okay'.
The doctor sighs, sending his doubt echoing through the room and bouncing off every wall. "Mr. Iero, I cannot confirm that. Actually, this is what I came to talk to you about. I'm afraid, the way things are looking right now, the chances are that Mr. Way only has a couple of hours left to live, maybe even less. We are doing all we can to save him, but if Gerard doesn't awake from this coma by 3:00pm, I'm afraid we will be forced to remove him from life support. I am terribly sorry, sir."
A COUPLE OF HOURS TO LIVE? Since when? I'm young, I'm relatively healthy, I am not going to die in a couple of hours, I'm just not.
I hear footsteps, the door opening and closing, and then a strangled cry emit from my Frank. I try so hard to break out of this shell of a body, weighing me down, cutting me off from my love, but still, nothing happens.
Full of stress , I tell my brain to let me move, I scream at it, over and over. But I still CAN'T MOVE. I can feel the anger building up and I want to just scream, scream until it hurts, scream until I have no voice left. GET. ME. OUT.
Wait... Why is it so noisy all of a sudden? Everyone is talking as if they're in a race for 'who can talk faster,' I feel too dizzy and tired to keep up with what they're saying; their words begin to sound slurred and even more distant than before.
"Help! Help! Doctor help! What's happening to him? Why is the machine doing that?"
I listen out for the machine, but my senses are fading. I can only faintly hear it, but I can hear that it's going a lot faster than normal.
"I SAID, WHY IS THE MACHINE DOING THAT?"
"Mr. Iero, sir, please calm down! Sit back in your seat, I'm trying to find out..." Seconds pass as I feel Frank press his forehead against mine, feeling his breath on my cheek. "Okay, listen to me, Frank. I am so sorry, I really am. Please stay calm. I'm afraid Mr. Way hasn't got long left; about 2 - 3 minutes I would guess. Please stay calm, this is your chance to say goodbye. Please, use this time wisely."
I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.
I can hear Frank, crying his poor heart out, but he sounds so distant, so quiet. Is this really it? Am I really dying?
I never thought it would end this way.
Lying in a hospital bed.
Paralysed from the inside out.
Never getting to say goodbye to Frank, my only love.
Controlling his tears, he takes a deep breath.
"I love you, Gerard, forever and ever, don't you forget that. I love you."
I wont forget Frankie, never. I love you so much.
Now, all I can do is wait, wait to die. All senses are gone, faded away.
I can no longer feel his hand on mine.
I can't even hear my Frankie's precious voice in the final seconds of my life.
I feel dizzy, weak and isolated, as my mind spirals into a bottomless pit of misery.
Down, down, down I go. Forever falling, no way out.