You were always with me, you know? Even when you were technically gone, I could still feel you next to me, singing sweet poems into my ear. Brushing my hair from my eyes with your slick fingers, making a swarm of butterflies erupt in my stomach. You were always with me.
I don't think you know just how you made me feel. I was so deeply in love with you, I still am for that matter. I guess I should have tried to move on sooner, but I knew I would of missed the overwhelming feeling washing over me every time you glanced in my direction.
When I was upset, angry, felt like giving up. I would break down, fall on the floor clutching my sides to stop the pain caused from crying so hard. I would do this daily, but never in front of you. Remember that time when I couldn't hold it in any longer? I tried so hard to keep my true feelings from you that it all came rushing out at once. I fell to the floor in a puddle of tears and you just stood there in shock. I never wanted you to see that side of me, that side so vulnerable, so weak, so pathetic.
Once out of your trance, you dived next to me on the cold floor and wrapped me up, tight in your arms. For the first time in my life I felt cared for, I felt loved. We spent that whole day together. I explained to you all of the problems in my life and you just sat comforting me, a knowing look on your face.
After that we shared everything with each other. You told me your problems, I told you mine. I started to realise, we were pretty similar, me and you. The closer we got, the more attached I got to you. Talking to you and just simply being with you became one of my daily needs, like food and water.
We were young. We were in love. We were inseparable. Drifting our way through life living off of each other's company, it's all we needed to survive.
As the years went by, it only got better. We got school over and done with, both getting low grades and neither of us caring. Why should we care? We had each other and that's all that mattered. Soon after we moved in together, leaving behind our family homes and starting a fresh new life, just me and you. Our parents supported us financially along the way. I was the happiest I had ever been.
Life went on quickly from there. We both got part time jobs to help pay towards rent, we felt bad as our parents had insisted on paying for all of the costs so far and wanted to help out a little. Any leftover money I had, I would drop by Starbucks and get you the most expensive thing on the menu. You would thank me with that toothy grin of yours, and a soft but passionate kiss that normally lasts... Lets just say a very long time!
On my 24th birthday, you handed me a big box that I didn't hesitate to rip open. Inside was a shining, white, electric guitar. I leaped on you and trapped you in the tightest hug I had ever given.
"How did you get the money for this?" I exclaimed, overwhelmed in joy.
"Well, I saved up, I wanted to get my boyfriend the best present I could possibly afford."
"Oh, I love it so much! Thank you!" You smiled down at the ground in the adorable way you did, your cheeks turning a deep crimson.
6 years passed and I felt like our relationship was missing something but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I thought about it for hours until it suddenly occurred to me. We were not married. Later that night, I approached you watching the T.V.. I switched it off and sat down beside you, growing ever warmer. I gazed into your eyes, leaned down on one knee and with a huge grin and shaky voice I proposed to you. I screamed and jumped into your arms when you accepted my request.
We put all of our money together and started planning a wedding. Writing a guest list, booking a photographer and most importantly, booking a church. We didn't bother with stag nights, we didn't see the point. Then, we waited.
The morning of our wedding day finally came and I stood trembling with nerves as the music started and you appeared in the doorway. Looking flawless you strode down the aisle, clutching your dad's arm close as you looked, rosy cheeked, towards me. You arrived at my side and the music stopped. All was quiet. I looked around and saw the vicar's lips moving, but could hear no sound. Then you faced me and started to talk, but I still couldn't hear anything. I couldn't concentrate on the words as the nerves built up. I put my brain into focus and listened out for the sound of voices. "Now repeat after me."
I mentally breathed a sigh of relief as I realised I had repeated his words without messing up. I must have been getting nervous again because the next thing I heard was "I do." When I heard you say this I was so happy I didn't even wait for the vicar to ask me the magical question, "I do!" I half-shouted as I crushed my lips to yours, feeling the familiar warmth of your lips on mine. When we pulled away, rings were slid onto our fingers and we stood looking into each others eyes as I realised I was the luckiest man in the world to have you.
After we got married we sat back and watched the time fly by as our lives flashed before our eyes. We started getting old, weak, fragile, but in our hearts and in our mind, we were still young. I would still get that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I looked at you. My heart would still skip a beat every time I saw you. And most importantly, I would still get that safe, secure feeling when I was around you, like you were always protecting me from harm.
I will never let go of those feelings. I will never lose my grasp on those special memories. Never.
I remember the day it all ended. The day of your death. The day you left me in this world alone. The day my heart shattered into a thousand little pieces. The day that my life changed forever. Even though you're gone now, you will forever be in my heart, until it is my turn to leave this earth. But don't worry honey, that time will arrive soon because what am I without my daily needs? What am I without my own personal food and water? The truth is, I am lost without you.
Those memories seem like a lifetime ago as I sit here and write this letter to you, to my love. See, like I said, you were always with me and I guess you still are now, sitting in an illusion of an empty armchair. You were always with me, Gerard, and you always will be.